Life after a Mental Health career crash

It was an unplanned and an abrupt shock, the ending of my professional social work career. Certainly not part of the 10 year plan.  The original plan was to reduce my hours and work until around the age of 57, give or take. My body told me one day, that it had had enough. This manifested itself in a rather public, humiliating and scary breakdown, in January 2022. I did not see this coming, albeit I knew I was worn out.

What happened next was a turn of events that I could not have predicted, nor actually believed.  My mental health was poor and so was my physical health.  The following months saw numerous GP appointments, sign off notes (burnout, stress, exhaustion followed by depression), talking therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and trialling of medication that I knew nothing about or had ever taken. My workplace stayed away, holding me at arm’s length, making assumptions at what I needed.  What I needed was the opposite of what they, in fact, did.  The weird reality was, the day after the breakdown, I experienced a repetitive vision, that I was never going back to that job. I still reflect on that day. I still experience inconvenient triggers that take me back there, out of the blue.  My functioning brain kept saying “I just need 2 weeks off for a rest and then I’ll be back in the game”.  Or the hamster wheel as I now refer to it. Obviously, I was not clear thinking and totally in denial.

What do I tell people?  Initially, I said very little, partly as I was so unwell and partly because I didn’t know what to say or how to explain it.  Sometimes I couldn’t explain it because I didn’t understand it myself.  I felt shame, guilt, weakness and lacking in resilience.  I felt very out of control of anything and very afraid at what people would assume or think.  What a society we live in, that I would feel this pressure so acutely, that it was almost top of my daily agenda.  Even when I was able to attempt to articulate this to people, I could feel the oozing judgement.  Not from everyone, I may add, so I don’t wish to generalise but there was a common collection of negative comments.  It’s not a surprise really, that if I didn’t understand what was going on, how could they?

Fear and anxiety ate me up. Exhaustion was constant, partly as I ‘put on my happy face’, audience dependant and became someone I didn’t even recognise.  I overslept or didn’t sleep at all. My hair started to fall out, so I cut it all off and sported the pixie crop once again.  My eyelashes fell out too.  They’re back with a vengeance now.

Weeks turned into months and very slowly I started to feel like the old me. As it turns out, it would be the new me, I just didn’t know it yet. Self-care was all I could really manage and some days I didn’t even manage that.  There was physical pain too. There were many days of “well in body, but considerably rumpled in spirit” (Anne of Green Gables).  Everything I enjoyed stopped.  I handed my notice in to work, with a 4 page letter, explaining everything I felt and how disappointed I was in them.  It was very cathartic, to say the least. I needed to close the chapter and break my ties. I knew that was the end of that part of my working life and in essence my career.

I sought legal advice.  Again, some people assumed this was for financial reasons, that I wanted to take my employers to the cleaners and that I was somehow seeking some silly revenge, for their part. I knew I didn’t always get it right too, in my role, so I’m not saying that I was perfect. Who is.  What I actually wanted was an empathic explanation, with thought and kindness, a conversation around change to managing mental health in the work place and some way of an apology and perhaps this might not happen to someone else, in the future.  Ever the optimist on a good day.  My lawyer told me very straight – you won’t get any of the things you want, it’s a financial win or nothing. And a year of stress and court. I needed it laid out in basic terms.  Right. Nothing it is and I bailed and put my foot on the breaks. Letting go was hard but also a huge relief.  I was closing the door. I had to accept that I wouldn’t get answers or an apology.  It turns out the best revenge, if I had wanted that, is no revenge at all.  That took a long time to process and accept.

I struggled with other people’s perceptions of who and what I was.  At that point I had no idea what the future held. People sent me jobs that they thought I should apply for or jobs I’d be “really good” at, whilst I was still signed off.  They were all social work related.  I’m sure they were coming from a well meaning place, for the most part, but I wasn’t even ready to start thinking about this, far less delve into it.  This struck a chord.  I mean social work is not all I am or can or could be.  Your work does not define you, yet I think some people thought that it did.  Shock, horror, I may have other skills, hopes and dreams.  I was clear that it was time to move on from this. For me there was a shelf life and I had reached it. 

My dream was always to write. Bookstores are and always have been my favourite shop.  I love books and I’ve always loved reading, as a child, under the duvet with a torch, after lights out.  I read all the classics. I never gave any time to myself over the adult and parenting years, to consider something creative that was just for me, always working full time, busy with kids and very little support or practical help around this.  We didn’t have a lot of money when the children were little, but they had everything they needed, and we often went without those little luxuries like holidays and so on.  Like a lot of working mums, I suspect.  Now, all of a sudden, there was the freedom to do try my dream, I thought, I’ve nothing to lose. Although, I’m literally marching into the unknown, armed with nothing.  I mean, imagine finishing writing something, never mind the actual dream of having something possibly ever published. Imposter syndrome was and is there on a massive scale daily. I mean I might not even be good at it.  I’ll probably die trying though, knowing me.

After the notice was handed in, my husband and I and my 2 children went on a big holiday to New York and Boston. It was just the ticket, the change of scene and a fresh start.  I withdrew from the meds, that weren’t really helpful anyway, before the holiday and wiped the slate clean.  My husband and I discussed at lengths next steps, not just for me, but for us and we agreed that I would support him in his business, which at this point had totally taken off and was becoming very successful.  So, I now do bits for him, and he now has the freedom to do whatever work he wants, whenever he wants and wherever he wants, without my shift pattern getting in the way, as this involves travel. It works for us as a partnership and we’re better together.

On holiday I started to get ideas for a book, a novel.  Currently, I’m on chapter 18 (tiny chapters, must do better) and I muddle along, with enjoyment at the characters, the wonder at the story, what direction it will go on and the quiet time spent at the laptop.  It’s a wonderful world on the days I get into it and frustrating when I don’t feel like writing.  At times weeks go by and I don’t get any notion, because I don’t know how to do this and I’m still figuring it out as I go along.  Then I forget who the characters are and I’m back at square one. Let’s sprinkle some hefty menopause brain fog into the mix too, shall we? That’s a whole different blog in the making.  Life with Menopause. What a carry on. Watch this space.

Then came the comments and the questions, the, what I call, aftermath. An interesting collection of quite probing and rather personal questions. Some, kind and interested of course and some with a total lack of insight or any spec of emotional intelligence.  It goes something like this…….

But don’t you want a career?  I had one, I’ve worn the t-shirt and I’m done with it.  Frankly, it was rather overrated, for me.  But hey, why don’t you focus on your own career and just say…. I’m glad you are happy and healthy now.  Can count on one hand how many people have said that to me.

But surely you want to work?  I worked full time literally my whole life. I went back to work after my first child was only 2 months old, juggled full time night shifts and expressed my milk in my breaks, didn’t get childcare help……. come back to me after you’ve tried all that and survived. I barely did. I give my time to volunteering in my local village, doing my bit for the local community. I do work for my husband, and I have my writing.  Not writing in the paid sense, but who knows what lies ahead? I’m busier than ever, but the difference is, what I do now enhances mine and my husband’s lives together, rather than the relentless juggling, stressful battle.  We are happier, our balance is amazing, and I’ll make no apology for that.  It’s my time now to try something else and step off the hamster wheel for a bit.

You must miss your job? I really don’t, if anything the last couple of years, when I reflect back I think, how the hell did I do all that.  It also made me ill, particularly working on the frontline through Covid.  Being all things to all people, constantly understaffed.  It was always a weird mix too, of high stress or the other end of the spectrum, doing some tasks in my sleep.  That’s a rocky road for me, once you can do it in your sleep, it’s time to move on to pastures new.

You’re so ‘lucky’ you don’t have to work.  Once again, I do work, just not a 5 or 6 day week anymore, knocking my pan in, in a toxic, thankless environment.  Also, FYI – it was not ‘lucky’ having a nervous breakdown, being unwell for almost a year and losing a career I worked hard for.  Granted, I feel grateful for my life now, but equally, ‘lucky’ for me, is about experiencing good health now, more than anything.  Lucky is winning the lottery.  Just a different narrative.

What do you do?  Christ, depending on the company what do you say?  I used to do this, then I got sick and now I don’t.  Or I volunteer and work with my husband.  Or I don’t do anything now, I have no depth or any interests.  Or I’m a housewife, but only in the sense that I we have a house, and I am a wife.  Or I’m retired and took early retirement. There’s plenty life in me yet.  What I would say, if I chose to do nothing, that would also be my business.  Stopping and having a rest is healthy.  I know people in jobs they hate, stay in the rut and they do nothing out with this. Again, their business, their choice. I lead a busy, full, and meaningful life and I give a lot of time to helping others.

Do you not feel you’ve wasted your degree? No, I don’t. I’m very proud of achieving that, whilst working full time, managing kids, and doing overtime, whilst on a placement. Education is never a waste in my eyes.  Whether you end up using that degree in your life or work is neither here nor there for me.  I gained so much from it. It’s enriched my life in many ways, including friendships.

Let me answer all these for you. I’m happy and content. The end. Ouch, not what you want to hear. Surely that’s all that really matters?  I don’t need to try and convince you of this, it’s just, that’s the current reality. I have felt compelled to write this all down for around 18 months at least.  Very therapeutic. I know that I don’t have to justify all my choices or actions, but so many wanted the truth, the lowdown, the nitty gritty, so here it is.  Maybe some of you have experienced similar and need to know it's ok to do what you want without judgement or criticism.  Or that it's ok to be unwell and choose a different path.  Or take a risk.  Some of you are maybe envious of my current situation but let me tell you, the previous 30 odd years, not so envious.  This is just the snapshot of the here and now and who knows how long that will last.  Some of you perhaps desire my new life but you wouldn’t have desired the struggle of the old one at times.

Then there’s the form filling. A whole other tick box with never the right box.  Are you……. unemployed, retired, employed, student etc. Sigh. None of the above.  I am my husband’s business partner though. No tick box for that. His suggestion. Dream team. If you asked my husband if life is better now after the changes, I know exactly what he’d say. He’d be smiling when he said it too.

I spoke to a close friend about all of this, we literally dedicated a whole evening to the topic.  She had gone through similar and felt the same about the awkward questions, the intrusion, the assumptions and how to transition from career person to something else. A whole lot of wine that night too.  She walked in my shoes with all of it, which really mattered to me.  She gets it.  We laugh about it now though.  I mean “we just swan around and go on holiday, it’s all we do!” But of course, that’s just a small part of the jigsaw.

Oh, I forgot to mention the Water Baby!  That’s also who I am, always have been.  As a child I’d run with wild abandon into any body of water, sometimes in my underwear (I’m still doing this) without a care.  Then, there was the competitive swimming teenage years and now it’s the, I’m in my 50’s and swimming 3 miles a week when I can.  Up and down the lanes I go, processing everything and sometimes nothing, just counting the lengths.  That’s how I now keep my mind in check. I believe everyone needs something that works for them.

It’s important to me to set myself challenges and goals, out with a professional capacity.   I now compete in outdoor swimming events. I started off doing 1 and next year I’m doing 4.  My husband is always by my side in all weathers, supporting my mad water adventures. I enjoy my cold-water therapy and outdoor wild swimming and we now have a barrel in our garden for the cold water fix, if I don’t manage to swim outdoors.  Fabulous for mental health, arthritis, injury recovery, reset, joint aches and pains.  Even my husband gets in it!  The irony is I hate being cold.  Another Blog dedicated to the joys and tribulations of this later.

In summary, this is my journey, my experience, and my way of life now.  You don’t have to like it or agree with it or be interested in it or even read about it.  But it’s also kind not to judge it, especially when you don’t have the full story. I do wonder if this could be more of a working mum specific experience.  I mean the measures of guilt.  Be working mum, don’t be a working mum. Put your kids in nursery, don’t put your kids in nursery.  A lifelong battle with balance and what is the right thing to do.  Always trust your instincts and do whatever you want! What I will say is, don’t be afraid to start over.  You might like your new story better.  Don’t place limits on yourself.  Be the change you want. I’m testing the theory on myself, so I’ll let you know how this all goes.

Success in the true sense is happiness and health, in whatever that means for you. Its taken a long time to see this. I’m still on the recovery journey and still experience intrusive and negative thoughts, relating to those times.  I’m working on not caring what others think of me.  The ones that matter are there. Its ok to move on from friendships and family relationships that don’t support you. Its ok to delete or be deleted.  I’d like to thank the people who listened and helped me, it did not go unnoticed, and you know who you are.  And they are still here.

Don’t close the book when bad things happen in your life.  Turn the page and start the next chapter.

NEXT UP – Life with Menopause.