Hands up if your kids have left the nest or about to? Oooooh that’s a lot. There’s not much preparation or helpful ways to navigate this life stage, I’ve found. And with it, comes good and bad things, feelings, emotions, and practical life changes for all. Not to mention drained finances, for the greater good of their education and at times your own sanity. I have found for myself and others in similar situations that these big transitions fall in little categories of stages…..this is purely from my own perspective, so there is likely many other categories and situations I’ve not yet experienced. Still on the kids leaving journey!
First….
They are off to college and university in a different city and therefore need to move out (they also want to leave, they are ready and desperate to spread their wings) ….we all know that University is important but so to is the geographic. With the experience of next stage education, comes the thirst for freedom and their own rule book, a life necessity of living and learning and self-expression. With that comes the packing of the room, the obligatory trip to Ikea for all the stuff required (and not required, but we buy it anyway) for halls and little things to make them feel homely. Only to find on arrival that you are, in fact, checking them into no more than a prison cell and how much??!! I wonder how many other people have slept in that bed before MY child, albeit adult. Jumbo mattress protectors and so on.
However, they couldn’t care less, they love it and literally can’t wait for you to leave. Ah the taste of freedom, living off vodka shots and instant noodles. We’ve all been their mums, right? Depending on the build-up to said leaving home, you may also be ecstatic that you have raised a human being and they are off into the unknown (even though they know it all already of course).
The unpacking, the food shop, which will probably last one week, then its crap diet a go go. All the trying to be cool….”now, darling, are you all set, you will text each day to say you are alive won’t you?” Etc. The leaving part, particularly when the first one goes, the eldest, is tricky. Don’t make a scene and don’t cry until you are in the car. Or punch the air like Nicole Kidman did when she divorced Tom Cruise, whatever takes your fancy. Now, the other part is, you also have earned yourself a little bit of freedom and that’s ok, do not suppress that part parents.
You’ve earned your house back and your space and so much less cleaning and cooking, if you are in anyway like me. The worst part is that you are glad for less work, then wish they were here so you could continue feeding everyone. There is no guilt in allowing yourself this space and time to enjoy, if you don’t spend hours worrying about what they are up to. This will become less as they show you, with bumps in the road that they can manage. And you can credit yourself for this too.
You wander around their empty room on return but then pull yourself together and give it a damn good deep clean. Disgusting. Guests can now stay over so you will find yourself entertaining and still cooking and cleaning lots LOL. We found the first year of the university stuff to be the trickiest.
They are young and determined but they also seem to get every germ and freshers flu there ever was and on visits home, they are pasty, tired, lacking immunity and any shred of resilience. Burning the candle at both ends, just like we did. You make everything lovely, make their favourite food, they spend a lot of the weekend sleeping, bless them. University is exhausting.
The good news is that it’s likely to be the making of them, whether they stick at the course, change direction, decide it’s not for them, it’s all good life learning experience and helps them to discover what they like and don’t like. Good on them I say, for having the courage to try and also to have the courage to say it’s not for them, if that turns out to be the case. I’m not advocating that University is the only route in life, as I don’t believe it is. I have one that went and one that didn’t, and they are both turning into well rounded, self-assured, confident, life experienced, independent girls, in their own rights with a voice. More women with voices please. Their mother over the back. I may have done some things right.
Second…
They decide to go travelling or take a gap year that never seems to end, and they dip in and out, so you don’t know if they’ve left or not…….one of mine did this and went to New Zealand for 7 months. We have family there and my kids are half kiwi, so it was almost a back to the roots for my eldest, with her zest for all things travel. I mean, that was tricky, could it BE any further away. FaceTime does not do it justice on the special occasions, birthdays, Christmas, but what a time to be alive. I struggled at times and did have to get my anxious brain in check from all the worrying…what if something happens and I’m miles away? I’ll never forget that airport reunite, running through the other arrival passengers, until I spot her and flinging myself at her, bawling my eyes out. She’ll never forget it too. The only person crying at arrivals. Sometimes they move back home to reset themselves as they spend all their money travelling, drinking beer and eating in actually quite nice places. So back they come. And you love it, getting everything ready. Opening the wine and hearing about all the adventures, experiences, food, new friends and pouring over the pictures and thinking how lucky they are.
Third…..
You’ve all had enough of each other and that means the timing is right, so as not to totally wreck what is left from the fragility of ‘becoming of age’…..I don’t have experience of this per say, but I know through others that it exists. The fallouts and opposing views become too much that they will do anything to leave the nest and you are torn between wanting to facilitate them leaving ASAP or fighting to keep them home. A challenging time for everyone’s relationship, when things have been so fractious and negative and they need to leave, sometimes in a puff of smoke, a door slam and an argument. An ending of sorts that no one really wants and, with hope from stories of others, the relationships can often go full circle and gladly reignite after some space. Given that I can’t speak from personal experience on this one, I do hope things mend themselves over time for those that have, although I’m not naive to the reality that this is not always the case and not everything can be fixed. Ever the optimist though.
Fourth….
They apply for amazing jobs in amazing but far off places and need to leave……again, I’ve not experienced this with my own girls, but I feel it looming on the horizon, as they get older and look for other places, challenges and jobs, climates, miles away from the homestead. I know others have experienced this and oh it’s a tricky one, by the sound of it. So proud of them landing that dream job but tough to let go. They need to use the wings sometimes and you can never hold back someone’s dreams. Let them try their hopes and big dreams and give them all the encouragement they need, even if you are feeling bereft.
Then again, people move abroad, met the love of their lives, and have their children, your grandchildren abroad, and you learn to navigate the changes and mileage. And the cost! Show me the money. There is no normal and we have no idea the path they will choose as we didn’t ourselves. This is also a time of great excitement and embracing different cultures, traditions, and opportunities. An eye opener for all the family.
Fifth….
I’d say this might be slightly less common, and perhaps more a lean towards a more varied cultural aspect, whereby, generations of the same family all remain living together, as a long-term partnership. The children never really leave, often they don’t want to, even after they are married. Sometimes it’s a beautiful cultural expectation, they may find it strange that in opposing cultures, the young people leave home and don’t return. As the older family members age and slow down or become unwell, the children take on a more caring role – almost a role reversal if you will. Much easier to do when you all live under the same roof I would imagine. There is something so wonderfully connected about this, sometimes there are whole communities looking after each other. I totally respect other pathways, cultures and living arrangements of others and find it a fascinating subject. There are of course, other reasons for different arrangements or young people leaving or not leaving the nest, which may include illness, caring responsibilities and so on.
None of it is easy, there is no rule book, and they don’t tell you how the loss creeps up on you, when they fly the nest, but equally this is weighed up against the joy and how proud you feel that they are ready to leave, spread their wings and take a stab at life on their own. You just need to be there, for the fall outs, the relationship ups and downs, the money arguments, the crying calls when you scoop up and help contain their trips and disappointments and most all the door always, but always, remains open for them to return to the nest to reconnect and share their accomplishments.
Lastly…..
Whilst the temptation may exist to turn a bedroom, once theirs, into a home gym or whatever takes your fancy, go with caution, is the only thing I would say, in terms of my own experience. You never know when they might need it…..break ups, breakdowns, loss or simply homesick.
Your behaviour sends a message to them, and making sure they can access a room to retreat to if you can, could make all the difference and tells them there is room for them, no matter what. They may expand their brood and you might start looking after grandchildren, so it’s always nice to have that space on offer too.
I think this comes with a mixed response from talking to others. Some sell up and leave, living the dream that they couldn’t do when they still had parental responsibilities, and the children still needed a lot of input. It’s not one size fits all, so there is no judgement in whatever you decide to do. Everyone parents differently and you do what suits your own situation. I don’t think you ever stop worrying about your children, their health and so on, even into adult hood. It’s a lifelong bond. Just don’t let the worrying stop you from enjoying things for yourself and or your partners, with your newfound freedom.
I don’t know what it’s like having boys, as my husband and I, have 4 girls between us. There have been times when they’ve returned home for a bit, and I look at the bathroom and the bedrooms and think to myself……Christ, have we been broken into? The state of the place. We wouldn’t change it though. I believe we all make mistakes when we parent, particularly with leaving home transitions, with our little mini adult versions of ourselves. We are all human beings and that’s ok, not to get it right all the time. Don’t worry if you struggle, we all do. You are not alone. And don’t worry if you pop open the Champagne and toast your newfound freedom. No right and no wrong. Yes, we’ve had several bottles of Champagne and I don’t mind being honest about that. Bloody clink and well done all! In essence, the nest is never empty really and you can always fill it with sausage dogs in their absence as we have done.
Would love to hear your experiences about the transitions, as it will be so richly varied for everyone. Lots of learning for parents and carers alike.
NEXT UP – Life with men……What is your definition of a “Good Man"
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