So, I got to thinking about the men in our lives. How it started and how it’s going from a heterosexual women’s point of view. And a plus 50 women at that. I’ll share some of my own thoughts and experiences of my own journey and where I am now and see if this resonates with any of you. A little of me, baring my soul, if you will. You might be on my path, already walked it, not interested in it, feel the opposite about it or feel hopeful for yourself. Everyone’s lived experience is different and I love hearing other people’s stories and journeys.
Being introduced to men, likely starts at an early age for many, a father, a grandparent and so on and they influence and help shape us. This is where the role modelling begins or doesn’t begin, sadly for some people. Now, that’s not to say that men in our lives are a necessity and just touching on that before we get into the “I don’t need a man protest”. I’m not ashamed to say, that sometimes I do need a man and that’s ok, whoever he is in your life.
Experiences progress through the stages to extended family members, teachers, neighbours and so forth. We then move into the pre-teen stage, the awkward beginning of liking boys and having crushes on much older men ensues. Remember that phase? Hideous. Posters on the wall and actually thinking that you would in fact marry someone from Duran Duran or Miami Vice. Oh, the Don Johnson days. You’ll only know him if you’re my age likely. It takes me back. Linen trousers, tan, boat shoes without socks. Yes please. And I still would.
At some point the dating begins, some girls dating anyone and everyone and others with more caution. You don’t really know what you’re looking for in a man in the late teens do you? I expect that you are not looking for anyone in particular at that stage. No assumptions made, if you’re into women. Can’t write a blog about that, as no experience there. There is an unfounded rumour that we go for men that might replicate some of the qualities the men in our lives had, while we were growing up. I’m sure there’s lots of research and science done on this, so feel free to hit me with it. There’s certainly plenty of evidence to the contrary, I’ve noticed, that women who have poor role models for men growing up, can sometimes choose men that don’t treat them well in adult relationships.
But then there’s always a threshold. Like there is for everything. What is good and what is poor, my good could be your poor? And vice versa. It’s all quite complicated. I mean I’ve dated all different personalities of men over the years, and I don’t mean there were a lot, as there weren’t really. I don’t think I have a type as they’ve all looked different. Do people actually have a type? I dated enough to know, what I liked and didn’t like. I really admire people that find their fit in high school. You know, end up marrying their high school first love, have kids, live happily ever after, the end. So much easier that endless dating and let downs.
Then there’s people like Charlotte’s character in Sex and City and she’s like……”I’ve been dating for 30 years…..where is he?” A much more common reality I suspect nowadays for women.
Of course, the actual dating bit, has totally changed too. There was no online dating when I was in my twenties. That’s a whole other blog. How women date now and swipe right, will be along soon! For now, here’s some of the experiences I’ve had with men. I’m going to define them as poor or good. There is of course some exception to that generalisation, which we’ll get into later.
Early dating years. Fraught with anxiety as you’ve no experience of men or what to do or say and can only be led by the females in movies, in lead roles, often, directed by men. Often a total misrepresentation of women in general. Of course, there was no mobile phones. I was once stood up at a black-tie event and ended up taking my female pal, after the young man in question presumably bottled it. Mortifying, leading to over analysing of self, looks, the lot. Crushing insecurities followed. He did call and it was awkward as hell. We were only 19 so I’m going to say that he hadn’t dated much either. He had no idea what he was doing. Likely, happily married now and wouldn’t even remember this. I felt sorry for him too, but it still counts as poor, in my book. The morale is, give people notice instead of standing them up. Try and be honest.
I was in a relationship with a young man once, all quite nice until I kissed his younger, better-looking brother. My bad. No idea what that was about. And believe me, I’ve dissected it to death. Early youth and experimenting though. Woman can be crap too. Zero points to me and something that I never, never repeated. So at least lessons learned with that scenario.
I was in a relationship for quite some time, when I was a lot younger, whereby I can only describe myself as punching, as he was gorgeous. I was rather average. He ended up having a physical indiscretion (ok sex) with our joint boss in a cupboard at work, stumbled upon by the cleaner who then told me. That was one messy, break up. I thought I would end up with him. I can only now reason that it was a lucky escape on my part. Imagine that mess once you’re already married and have kids. Awkward. Also, dating someone you met and work with, maybe avoid, not great for me, all those awkward joint friendships and so on.
Never ending stream of drunken snogs in nightclubs, that almost, always came to nothing. And thankfully too on both parts, as it often turned out. It’s human nature to seek out the companionship of the opposite sex, certainly if you are heterosexual. We crave to be with others and share our life experiences. Of course, now it’s considered quite cool to be single, when back in the day, there was something wrong with you. Comments like…..”oh your still single”……and such like. Comment like that, like taking a bullet when you are young. I wish I had had a magic wand that I could’ve waved, back then, that would tell me what to look for in a male companion, and what to steer clear of. Would save a lot of time wasted! Well, not now, obviously as I’m happily married but it took long enough to get here. Sake!
I’ve also dated absolute idiots. People I thought I would end up with, that dumped me or were unfaithful and all too horrid to even get into. The worst part is, you think they are the best thing since sliced bread, let them treat you like crap, come back for more and the rest! Why oh why, do we only see this, once we get over them, and pick ourselves up off the floor and get over the heartbreak and breakdowns.
I shudder at how there is no way now I’d allow myself to be treated like that by a man I was in a relationship with now. The fragile and insecure former self be gone. All the pals tell you he’s bad news, but you don’t see the wood for the trees. So, is it life experience, maturity or something else? Do some women still want a bad boy? Or, a combination of lots of different other things and influences?
I don’t mind telling you, this is my second marriage. Cards on the table, if you are talking about your lived experiences, then honesty needs to play a part in that too. To be fair, my first marriage ended, simply due to drifting apart, no longer sharing the goals, going in totally different life patterns and not on the same path. We also ended up like strangers to each other, no longer interested in each other’s achievements or aspirations. That’s life. We took our time to separate, children to consider, timing, finances etc. There wasn’t a lot of money and things were tight. However, we did manage to separate and amicably too. This was a long, planned and thoughtful process. I take my hat off to both of us for that, that we could be civil, be friends and co parent our children, something not everyone manages. And I favour that arrangement and our choices over ‘staying for the children’ anyway. No thanks to that stress and exposing everyone to an unhappy household.
People do though, stay for all sorts of reasons and that’s their choice, it just definitely wasn’t for me or him. There is no judgement and obviously its personal, how you manage your own ‘uncoupling’. Remember that in the news about Chris Martin (Coldplay) and Gwyneth Paltrow, announcing their celebrity separation in the media as a “conscious uncoupling”. Take about an Instagram ready post update on a marriage ending! But whatever works for you. To each their own arrangement. We do like a bitch and a moan don’t we.
Even nowadays there is shame and judgement placed on marriages ending. Long ago I’m sure people did want to end their loveless, incompatible joining’s, but society said no, you must soldier on, you made your bed, so lie in it. I’m much more for the free-spirited world, as in, love matters. I want to feel it every day and not monotony. And now I do, and I don’t mean that in a smug, I’ve got it all way. I mean it’s taken a long time to get here, years of dating, a divorce, that I was judged and shamed for. I even had people minimise my second wedding, as ‘second time round is not the same, you don’t really celebrate it’. Sorry, I think I will, and did, but this time I’m in control of it, an enjoyed it more! First the worst, second the best. If you’ve been divorced of course. Some people get married once and it is for life, and they are still in love. I love that for them. It’s not where I thought I’d be but I’m glad I’m here. All the experiences taught me different things about myself and others. Let people do what makes them happy and be happy for them. It wasn’t a frivolous decision, but it was the right one for me.
My definition of my good man is this. He supports my risks, my endeavours and pushes me to be better at whatever I’m into. He consoles your losses, but helps you back up again. He shows up smiling when things are crap and when things are to be celebrated. He offers to do things for and with me, without being asked. He supported me when I resigned from a job, where people didn’t treat me well when I was sick. He encouraged me not to go back as he knew what I needed was to be out. We like similar things, good food, travel, wine, films, the great outdoors, sausage dogs and laughter. We are a match made and do things together with our shared interests.
He slots into my family with ease and is hugely supportive to not only his own children but mine too. He manages to strive ahead for his own goals, business and personal, without losing sight of mine. He would never embarrass me or put me down or act like an idiot around me, my friends or anyone for that matter. He puts others, including me before himself. He is the definition of an exception to the rule. We click, physically, mentally and emotionally and in the many years we’ve been together, whilst we occasionally don’t agree on everything, we don’t argue, shout and fall out. My house is calm, exciting with new prospects and goals and love is always, all around. I know how lucky I am. We are the modern family.
Does perfect exist? Probably not. There are things that annoy us about each other. But who is to say my perfect could be your idea of hell. But this is mine, not yours. I hope you are all on your right path, wherever you are. Men can be fabulous, and men can be rubbish. And everything in between. Just like women. I hope you find your fabulous.
NEXT UP – Life and shopping. When did it become so disappointingly shit?
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