It’s a title that covers a lot. There’s big love and lost relationships, where you thought you were in love, there’s fall outs and friendships lost, there’s relationships that float in and out and never return, there is questioning of why and then the big one……saying goodbye, as a conscious choice, to any kind of relationship for the greater good of yourself. Yes, selfishness that actually manifests itself in actual joy and personal growth.
Relationships have always been a minefield for me, and I suspect that they are for everyone. Finding where you fit in friendships circles, your work friends, your love life, your sexual preferences and whether or not you can be true to yourself or not, and who you give your time and energy to. For me, its lifelong learning and personal growth. I wish I’d known all of this 20 years ago, could have saved myself a lot of insecurity, anxiety, questioning, anger and even rage. I suspect I am the woman today because I have experienced all of those feelings and emotions.
I know now that I had many periods in my younger life where I simply people pleased to fit in, conformed even when I wasn’t happy, did things I didn’t enjoy with people I didn’t really like, and this includes all kinds of relationships and friendships. In fact, I am almost embarrassed at my own choices when I didn’t know any better. Isn’t it annoying how good hindsight is, you only see the errors or negatives of any relationship, once you’ve left it, even if people point it out! Everybody in your circle might not be in your corner, that’s for sure!
Later in life, once I was more settled, arguably armed with some semblance of how to navigate successful relationships, I think I got so caught up in career, children, working full time, trying to juggle it all, amongst endless financial and family worries, that I didn’t have the time, gumption or energy to change, even though giving to everyone drained my energy. It’s been a very reflective time recently for me. Would have been better if this epiphany had happened 10 years ago!
I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last couple of years and you’ll know from my first blog that I was quite unwell for quite a long time, battling with own mental health and where I fit. I learned a lot from therapy, talking about myself, my early years, my teenage years, and how and who to let in my life and the reasons for it. And who to let go of. You can also let harboured angry feelings and resentment towards people go too. Very freeing.
It was mentally and physically draining, talking about it and reliving it. I cannot believe this was my life at points. Literally the great pretender and it brings me no shame to share this. The minute tiny things I over thought and over analysed is laughable, but it was who I was at points. Not really the real me. I do think ageing and growing is also part of the process as we give less of a shit, about everything as we get older.
The therapy helped me separate who is important in my life and who are the meaningless contacts and who are my actual people. I was scared to let go of people, even people I didn’t like for fear of the back lash or the fuss, or the questions. I’m not saying you need therapy to sort this out for yourself, but I needed it, as the burn out and exhaustion was in part related to doing things for others, rather than placing important on my own self, along with holding and carrying so much time for people that were not important to me.
I’ve actually been fairly cutthroat in the last couple of years, and this includes social media. I had allowed people to drain my emotional energy and take me out of my own character. Yes, I allowed it, but I was oblivious to this back then. And I spent a lot of wasted time matching other people’s negative energy. So very wasteful! The hamster wheel springs to mind too.
I have lost friends and lovers, been rejected and I do not miss them. And to quote Audre Lorde “and at last you’ll know, with surpassing certainty, that only one thing more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking at all”. This is a constant reminder to be you, do you, and take no prisoners because life is short. It’s been in my head a lot lately. This is not about hurting people but about being authentic.
I used to go above and beyond for people and with respect, no more. I will now match people with how much energy or interest they give me. And I’m not talking about time frames here. But I am talking about integrity and truth and reciprocation. For example, I have beautifully matched and authentic friendships with people who live on the other side of the world, we may not speak for a few months, but we instantly click in. We want each other to succeed, in whatever that means for us. We want the best for each other and there is no competition. I’ve had a lot of particularly female friendships over the years that were engrained in false competition. Ugh, it makes me cringe.
I would like to point out that matching someone else’s energy shifts a little when you know someone is struggling. That’s different. These are the people that you do go the extra mile for. Always try and check in if you know someone is not doing so well and you will soon recognise when someone loses interest in you or needs you. I usually trust my own instincts, which I think women in general are rather good at.
The older I get the more a learn that I need to lose people along the way and sometimes it’s because I want to change for the better and not everyone likes that for you. Not everyone will like me and it’s not my job to change that, that’s on them. I do accept that now. The old me was distraught if I wasn’t liked, almost trying to be something I wasn’t it, to be liked. Well, that’s no more! I like my change, I am more confident, more positive, more inclusive, more productive, calmer and chasing my dream of writing that novel, because it’s always been inside me. More importantly I am happier. And oh, how many people have drifted on to the side lines because I have healed, and I am more at peace with myself and my choices. It took me long enough though. People don’t always like other people being happy, some people want you to be rubbish sometimes and others are jealous, another waste of overthinking. I know this, because I’ve done it and felt it and overthought it myself.
There’s nothing like taking a leap and a risk to see people roll their eyes, take no interest in my new goals or challenges, and don’t want me to succeed. I hate to break it, but I have already succeeded as I’m doing what makes me happy and that’s more important than the end game for me. I’ve stopped doing what was no longer fulfilling in all aspect of my life. It’s all about the process of working on yourself and your goals. But that’s my own perspective and everyone will be different.
I can gently remove myself over time though, particularly from meaningless contacts. This is where social media comes into play too and this has been quite the revelation. I deleted Facebook some months ago. I honestly started to go through the ‘friends’ list and was met with people I haven’t seen in years and had no intention of seeing, people I didn’t like and they probably didn’t like me, people that have no interest or common ground with me, people I used to work with that I’ll never see again and frankly they likely didn’t want to see me again, random people that are friends of friends that are not actually friends……..god it was endless. I started to remove people and I think this was part of my own personal growth to be honest. By the time I had unfollowed that many people, there were hardly any left.
I was met with some backlash of course. Several people (all female I may add) private messaged me and asked why I removed them. I was aghast at this but tried to see it from their perspective. I mean, I had been deleted and removed on Facebook but didn’t bat an eyelid, shit happens, it’s all a pretend virtual world and whatever. I wouldn’t dream of contacting someone and asking why they had unfollowed me, probably because they are not interested in me anymore. I tried to explain to someone recently that I didn’t see the point in sharing my life with people that I don’t see, message, speak to or will ever arrange to meet up with and they get to see my posts. I mean I wouldn’t ignore you in the street if I banged into you, but like we’ve drifted apart and have no common ground anymore. Real life doesn’t equal social media life. Acceptance.
After the barrage of messages, this ended up with someone blocking me, which I found highly amusing as I had already unfollowed them, but whatever. I then decided that no explanation was needed, I don’t have to justify who I have on my social media. I mean its social media, it’s not the real world. I’m still astounded by the negativity of it all though. Who gives it that much thought? I don’t now, but I used to. Very interesting though. Every day is a school day.
I know all kinds of people use social media for all kinds of different reasons and that’s their personal choice. I’ve found my place and it took long enough to get there. I don’t miss Facebook, I likely will not return (some of you will be happy about that!). So much time scrolling. As always each to their own. I use Instagram and I refreshed that recently, whittling out the people that I don’t connect with anymore. For me, it’s a much friendlier place to be as you can follow someone that doesn’t have to follow you back (unlike Facebook). I try to connect with people, that share my common interests in reading, writing, food, travel, being outdoors, sausage dogs (lol), outdoor cold water swimming, event swimming, fitness etc. It’s a mish mash of my interests. And I’m still learning about all that too, the purpose of it and what I get from it. I have experienced a lot of superficiality in my life and at times I’ve been that person too. It’s important to remember that I am also flawed, I’ve not always been a good person too. Important to be truthful and acknowledge that.
I can tell you something though, letting go of past contacts and friendships was not difficult, it felt right. At times it was actually euphoric. I gave it no thought and I felt elation at points. It was freeing and similar to saying ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do or to people you no longer wish to spend time with. I know I don’t have it all figured out, but this is me for now. If you have to work so hard to maintain a contact, virtually or in real life and you give them so much time and energy that is not matched or feels good, it’s time to say goodbye. To take some words from Kim Catrall (Sex and the city) – ‘if it doesn’t bring me joy to be with you, I’m not fucking coming to spend time with you’. I love that. Use your time wisely people.
And never be too old or too afraid to start over. There is no shame in being choosy, I wish I’d done it earlier. A small circle of like-minded soul mates is so much better than strands of hangers on that don’t make you feel good. If something makes you happy, then keep doing it and remember that no explanation or justification is necessary, and it doesn’t matter if no one understands your choices. A closed door is just as important as an open door, so if you can, close a door that focuses your path even more specifically forward. Thanks to the words of Dan Levy, what’s not to love?
In essence, stop giving your energy to people and things that make you feel bad. I’ve tried it and I like it. Give it a go. Be free and be you. As always, a kind reminder this is how I feel, my life and my perspectives and my never-ending learning journey about all things women related for me.
You do not have to approve of it, like it or agree with it. But I hope you give it little thought and do something that’s gives you more time and energy.
NEXT UP – Life with a campervan and all the lessons.
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