That was a quick year. One year already of working on my first book, as a complete novice. Recently, I found myself near the finish line with my first scrappy, sketchy, ropey and jumbled version of adraft. A collection of chapters and pages of the ideas in my head. Now I need to knit them altogether. If you have a story, you should share it. Otherwise, it’s a story never told. Also, if you have a hope or a dream, you should pursue it.
The moods over the last year have been a complete mixed bag. The rollercoaster looks and feels like this……
“This is shit, no one will publish it or want to read it”
“Oh, this is really good, and I cannot wait to see it in print”
“I need to write every day and get in the zone”
“I don’t want to write everyday as I have no words”
“I haven’t written for days, so now I’ve lost my flow”
“I’ve written for hours, and it was really productive”
Literally, no rhyme or reason to the feelings or moods.
One consistent positive affirmation I’ve managed to personally uphold is…….I am going to finish thisproject and it will be published, possibly even self-published. If I don’t believe in my own abilities, then what’s the point to it all? I am my own motivator when others don’t take an interest. In some ways the process is almost as important as the end result. At times the process has been a real challenge and much more of that to come, as I now tackle the editing. I also don’t really know what I’m doing as it’s my first time and I find myself fraught with determination and jittery nerves. This is what keeps me going, I guess! Fear is the motivator for this and many other things in life, particularly the great unknown. I would rather die trying than allow it to collect dust.
I signed up for a writing and outdoor swimming retreat this year, and it was literally life changing, in so many ways. I mean, all my favourite things in an incredible location – Loch Rannoch.
It took place in September this year. It was beautiful in every sense of the word, the location, the hotel, the group, the facilitators, the swimming, the writing workshops, the social aspect – all of it. I saw it advertised last year and knew it was for me, my name was written all over it. I excitedly told my swimming pal in Inverness about it, and she signed up for it too. It would prove to be the best money and time I’ve ever spent. I’m pretty sure I speak for the whole group when I say this.
I just knew instantly that they would be my people. And they were. Our schedule was perfect, with early morning loch swims and writing workshops in the boathouse that took us up to lunch time. No phone zone during writing time, with a beautiful outlook proved to be very productive. A collection of women, all with varying wants and agendas and abilities, all being together and it felt like proper solidarity. There was no competition and no comparing. Everyone encouraged progress. For that reason alone, it was something new. No superficiality and no pressure and we were all different and individual. We enjoyed lovely socialising and wine in the evenings and got to know more about each other, our families, our zest for life and the reasons we were there.
It reignited the reasons why I started to write in the first place, because I had a story to tell. On the last day writing workshop, we all shared (if we wanted to as no pressure) something we had been working on, which we read aloud to the group. I was working on the novel, but others were writing letters, poems, prose, tv sketches and so on. So many wrote and read about their own deeply personal experiences, many of which were extremely painful and likely triggering for them. We all felt the power in the group and in the room and were united in our tears, not a dry eye in the house, for around 2 hours. We comforted, acknowledged, and validated each other’s experiences and it was all so very emotionally wholesome and also creatively draining, witnessing them hold their stage and release that pain. I was in awe of everyone. Outstanding.
That experience spurred me on even more. I made some lovely connections, and we have our funny group chat where we share things from time to time and people, we can reach out to on a one-to-one basis, if we need someone to ask for help or bounce something off.
It’s helpful knowing someone will listen and resonate with what you are trying to achieve. It’s true what they say, when you change, not everyone likes it. I’m ok with that. I like change, it can be very healthy, and it felt necessary for me, and I accept that not everyone understands what I am doing or why. That’s on them, it’s not my job to persuade them. If they want to sit on the silent side-lines, I let them. I don’t need everything I do to be acknowledged or a pat on the back, every time I achieve something. My own creative growth and time well spent, is what really matters.
Writing is not all flowery and full of daydreams, rather it is hard work, attempting to turn the work into something comprehensible and potentiallyenjoyed by others. Stage fright plays out too. I am merely a sapling, struggling to grow, under the watchful eye of the daunting audience. There have been many days of despair, but I also use this powerful force to keep me going. In essence, the silence from some, keeps me going and makes me try harder. If everyone thought it was marvellous and fabulous, that would be far too easy. I know that all too soon, that develop a thick skin I must, as I face the inevitable long list of rejections, as my sloppy first pages, hit the cutting room floor. This is by no means a negative take, its simply the way things goand a bracing reality check.
Some people take 10 years to have their first piece of work published, some never manage at all, and some clinch the deal and are signed up immediately. I hope I am old and wise enough to not take all this personally but watch this space! For the foreseeable I will refer to myself as the survivor. It is a craft and I need to learn it. And I need to expect scrutiny, rejection, dislike and downright rudeness. I’m ready.
I do and have struggled the most with my schedule. Everyone I speak to or any writing advice I get suggests that time must be dedicated daily to the craft and sticking to it until it just becomes part of your everyday and you begin to write fluently. “If you fail repeatedly at this exercise, give up writing, as your resistance to writing is actually greater than your desire to write and you may as well find some other outlet for your energy” (Dorothea Brande). Its harsh but true. Even editing is revisiting and tweaking your writing and is part of the process. Must do better, and absolutely a lot or room for improvement and learning.
Several pieces of advice stand out. Do not overdo master classes, online courses, and the likes of that. You will spend so much time trying to learn and understand, that you will toil to find the time to write with wild abandon, depending on your own other commitments and time frames. I also know that I feel I am past the place of submitting essays and pieces of work for a timeline, been there, got the t-shirt and don’t plan on going back. On balance though, as a newbie, I need some guidance and teaching to help me along. This is fine and instead opting for an occasional workshop or lecture, and instinctively trusting my own ability and work. Daily rhythm is what matters.
My understanding is that most writers and would be writers are book worms and thankfully that is the case with me. Reading for pleasure has taken a turn. I can devour a book, and dissect it, be annoyed by it, love it and more importantly learn from it. How do the characters unfold, how to they change and revolve, how does the intensity build, does it need to build, how does it flow, how does it capture the reader, how does it finish. It’s all endless and there’s a lot to learn and think about. I also no longer finish a book if I don’t resonate or like it. I always thought, I must finish, even if I don’t enjoy it, but no more.
The next thing is this. I am a secret, quiet and solitary writer. No one has read any of the pages so far. I have held this to myself. I wondered why this was. If I let someone read the first chapter and they don’t like it, or criticize it, despite me asking for feedback, will I give up. Or will I thank them for their honesty and do a rethink, making the necessary changes. I’ve no idea the best of the two options. It’s likely I will find a trusted and interested person to cast an eye. Maybe it will be you? Who wants the job? When I think about it, one person’s opinion can’t change me that much, or make me give up. Its only one opinion. And like everything else in life, varying opinions matter, so this will matter too.
Many good bits of advice are to enter some short story competitions and see how that goes, less scrutiny and ease my way into the writing world that way. So that’s what I’m going to do. As a side line and to help me flow and to have new ideas and explore different themes. And of course, a timeline and cut-off date. I will not like that bit. I have a million ideas so at least I’m at the start line. I do hope you’ll celebrate with me at the finish line, winner or not.
I am naming this year……….Things I never thought could happen.
Don’t you just LOVE books.
NEXT UP – Life with memories of the 80s and 90s, our very own Sex and the City.
Add comment
Comments